Tardy to the Party

Happy New Year!

Yes I realize it is the end of February but in my defense I have been a bit preoccupied.  Also, Chinese New Year just passed so I'm really not that far behind.  Or so I'd like to tell myself.

Yes, it's all in your head.

Another mom and I were chatting and she flattered me by saying that I was a model mom and her hero for doing so much and having B in so many activities.  I immediately felt uncomfortable with the outrageous compliment and I could tell it wasn't just my Asian heritage inhibiting my ability to accept compliments.  It wasn't until about 2 hours ago that I realized why I was uncomfortable.

Really, tell me all about it?

In my view I am not meeting up to a nebulous set of standards I have for myself as a stay at home mom.  When I was working it was easier to have a set of goals like finishing a project, getting a promotion, getting a subsequent raise, etc.  Obviously there is the expectation that my kids and I are alive by the end of the day.  Hopefully they are happy and well adjusted and the house has not burned down.  I'm meeting those goals (CPS don't take my kids).  However there is this deep uneasiness that has settled in my chest that says it's not enough.  While some would say, you need to get rid of that because you are doing the best you can, blah blah blah.  This little voice in my head says, "well, are you?"

Are you saying you haven't been?

Since I'm a goal oriented person, I've decided to make a set of goals for myself to meet.  This way I can objectively judge my performance.  Don't worry they will be goals that I believe are achievable.  If I don't achieve them, I'm sure I'll come up with justifications for why they were not met.  Of course I want to say that I will not be too harsh with myself if they are not met, but who am I kidding.  I guess you can call this my New Year's Resolution List.  If you don't like it you can suck it and leave. Seriously though, please don't leave.  Only 8 people read this blog and most of you are here for the baby pics (I know who you are).  If you guys leave I'll be *gasp* journaling.  These are my goals in no particular order,

1. Bake something once a week
2. Send out a care package once a month
3. Exercise 5 times a week
4. Cook 4 dinners a week
5. Eat at least 1 serving of fruit or vegetable a day
6. No dirty dishes in the sink for more than 2 days
7. Vacuum 2 times a week
8. Complete 1 craft project a month 
9. Organize something once a month

At the moment I am feeling fairly optimistic.  It might be the 4 hour stretch of sleep talking though.

She lies, I'm a great sleeper.

You can follow along with my progress reports for the following reasons,

1. entertainment of the train wreak variety
2. Pinterest fails
3. to provide encouragement 

I have finally figured out how to get photos into this thing but am having trouble with the caption.  Gah, blogger is frustrating on an iPad.

Festering Wound

According to dubious stats I found on the internets, 3-6% of women suffer from C-Sec incision infections.  I am one of the lucky few.  If only I had this kind of luck with raffles and lotteries.  2 weeks postpartum the corners of my incision opened and began to ooze.  Since it was Saturday and I had no idea what to do, I went to urgent care where the doctor taped me up and told me to apply antibiotic cream.  After a week and increased puffiness, I finally got a hold of my OB.

I hobbled onto the examination table and she came to poke and prod at the incision.  After a few minutes of painful poking and hmmm-ing sounds from the dr, I asked if the wound looked bad.  She told me that doctors and patients have different interpretations of bad.  (This is when I should have realized that it was bad.)  She said, "For instance, a doctor thinks of a flesh eating bacteria as bad.  You don't have a flesh eating bacteria."  Well then, I should be happy?  Then she asked her assistant for scissors.  (This is where I finally realized it was bad and burst into tears.)  Since the wound was clearly not healing, the incision had to be opened up and drained.  At this point I made the HUGE mistake of taking a look.  I would provide a photo but then I would have to look at it again and that is just not happening.  The doctor called my husband in to instruct him on how to dress my wound twice a day,

1. Apply topical anesthesia for the pain
2. Scrub wound until it oozes blood
3. Stuff wound with saline soaked gauze
4. Tape dry gauze over wound

Yes it is as painful as it sounds, only 10 times worse.  At the follow up appointment, the dr said the the wound was making some improvement but was developing a smell so she instructed Jason to scrub harder.  Until this point, my husband wore his game face but the idea of having to scrub until blood oozes while his wife is shaking with pain took all the mustard out of him.  We booked an appointment with the wound care center at the hospital and the PT who saw us said that scrubbing was absolutely unnecessary.  My new treatment,

1. Shower and let the water run over the wound for 5 minutes
2. Stuff the wound with antibiotic foam
3. Tape dry gauze over wound

This is so much better even though the shower stings.  Think showering after chaffing that is 1cm deep and 2.8cm wide.

For the first time in my life I dread the shower but it is so much better than scrubbing.  In books you often read how the pain makes the hero weak at the knees and nauseated.  These passages always felt so melodramatic and I scoffed at them.  Now I know better as the first few showers left me clinging to the tile wall to keep from falling.  Never again will I scoff at weak knees passages.

I don't have a computer anymore, so I'm blogging on my iPad and finding it impossible to add photos. Until I figure it out, please forgive my lack of interesting photos. Hopefully my text content is interesting enough!

Project Reveal

Ta-Da!  This is what I've been working on over the last 9 months.  

We had a short list of names to choose from:

1. Charlotte
2. Sara
3. Anna
4. Olivia
5. Audrey

I really love the name Olivia but we already know at least 3 little girls with the same name.  My next choice was Charlotte but my husband seemed ambivalent.  When the day came and the nurse asked what her name was, my husband quickly replied, "Charlotte."  It just felt right for her.

Charlotte arrived 12 days earlier than estimated and weighed in at 6lbs 12 oz.  I considered a VBAC but called it 6 hours into labor.  I wasn't making any progress and it seemed like it would have ended up being a repeat of my first pregnancy and I refuse to do that again.  I must not have sent enough "open like a flower" vibes to my cervix.

I can't wait until I'm all healed up and ready to run again.  We are registered for a Super Bowl Sunday  10K and I really really want to be able to run in it.